Disclosure: I know I owe you guys a part two to my last blog post, but I thought I should dedicate a post to you all learning about me instead of from me. I do not enjoy talking about myself, never have. Never felt the need to. Never seen the importance. Though I have a keen sense that I may not be alone in my current feelings..
At the ripe age of 6, I told my parents and family members, “No longer refer to me as Taisha, call me Dr. Williams”. I knew what I wanted to be, it was almost as instinctual as a snake craving mice. My destiny had yet to manifest though I always displayed the characteristics that could nurture such a future: calculated, caring, laid-back, excellent listening skills, etc.
At age 10, I made a list of goals set forth for the next 7 years. I also had made one for the next 25 years but I hadn’t really grasped what it meant to be an adult so I knew that one would change drastically. My 7 year plan, oh I was sure that one was solid and realistic. Its stated what assets I would have obtained, my employment status, and even my relationship status. Talk about an obsessive 10-year-old.
As the years passed on, my life experienced such emotional and physical changes that I had not accounted for. Since forever I have been very soft-spoken and even severely passive in nature so I’d never cared to ask anyone what they thought of my plans. I’d never thought to ask if I needed to modify them accordingly. Adults to me were too busy worrying about real problems and kids didn’t understand my personality, let alone my level of psychological maturity. I just felt, “you can handle this on your own. You’re smart enough to figure it out.” That was my life’s mantra. I refused to ask for help because it made me feel weak or stupid or no one knew the answer anyways.
So now I’m 16 and life for me socially is at its peak. I have this great, huge group of female friends that I’m close to. For the first time in life I have a female best friend who has the exact same interests as me. For the first time in ever, I feel accepted by my fellow gender and it’s from me being myself. I’d never been a feminine chick. Hated dresses, hated skirts, 86 the makeup, definitely not carrying a purse. Hell, I had made an exception for skinny jeans and high heels because I liked how confident I was while wearing them, the exact opposite feeling I had while wearing that other stuff. My friends didn’t care if I wore any of that, they cared about the person I was on the inside. My list seemed to be coming to fruition with the exception of a few bullet points, my life was going as planned.
High school and it’s drama ensued yet life was still good. I had no outstanding beef, I had good grades, and i was coming into myself physically, I even got that huge Sweet 16 I wanted with an awesome profit. Though I wanted more. I was now 16 with no job and no boyfriend, just some filled out applications and crushes. No biggie, right?
Months pass and I finally get a job. I feel fulfilled. I would love to have my licence by now but this is good, for now. I’m making my own money and everything.
Later on that same year, I met my first official boyfriend right in time for the close out of my 7 year plan. He seemed right on time until I realized how much commitment didn’t suit me. I guess I had not accounted for that in my plan. After this year ended, my list should have been burned along with the “accomplishments” I had previously checked off.
Start of 2009 I lost my whole group of female friends, my relationship was dying, I had a new job where my boss hated me, my grades were mediocre, and I had no one to talk to except those who only wanted to talk about themselves. I had used myself up, spread myself thin, and had no one to pour into me what I had given away. My life goals list was just becoming more and more of a joke. I felt so unaccomplished that I went into what I would like to call an exclusive depression. I was depressed when I wanted to be, around who I wanted to be, and in complete silence. I had to get ready for my last year of high school though.
Thank God for the friends who never leave and who were holding me down the whole time because that school year was rough. I faked it until I made it. I graduated with distinction along with scholarships and choices. I really only wanted one. I was denied and the cycle of feeling like a failure started again. Still I found a way to re-evaluate my situation and found myself in Florida, Carbondale, and back home with numerous adventure to share.
My life to this point had been planned almost to a Tee and guess what? I could not have been more inaccurate about where I would be. Compared to my list, my life since 10 has been a series of unfortunate events. I have barely achieved my life’s worth. This is all true of course if I think of it as my 10-year-old self.
Early on in life it is embedded in our brains to follow this straight and narrow path of life or risk being unsuccessful or unworthy. I started to believe that I was both. 23 and no closer to my B.S. than I was 3 semesters ago (or so I felt). Back home with no real possessions of my own. Seeing my friends thriving and graduating. I made myself sick some days by worrying about where I wasn’t yet wanted to be, I’ve found myself completely hopeless.
All those things were because of that 10 year old’s unrealistic mindset that I was stuck in. That little girl was ambitious, but she could have never imagined the journey I have been taken on to get to THIS point. NEVER.
In the year 2014, I heard 3 separate “testimonies” of people who use to be me. People who used to be hopeless because they did not follow the traditional route of success that people thought that they should. People who didn’t have the guidance they so desperately yearned for. All I could think was, “God are you trying to prove a point or something? I don’t get it.”
Now I do. I’ve been so stressed and pressed about getting my degree as quickly as possible that I’ve been going about it the wrong way. I’ve been stretching myself too thin and not thinking about my NEEDS because it was clouded by what I know people WANT from me.
It is now 2015 and I am releasing myself from other’s and their expectations for my life. I want to go about things the way my Father has set forth, most importantly I want to know what me being a priority feels like. I’m leaving my “list of accomplishments” with my 10-year-old self and starting a mature journey with my 23-year-old self. This is not a “new year, new me” revelation. This is a “new year, finally about me” revelation.
To everyone who is depressed, hopeless, and ready to give up because society is telling you that you’re too old to not be a success: You are only as successful as the work you put into your goals. even if they do not manifest in the time you have allotted yourself to achieve them.
If you enjoyed this, felt it was inspirational, or know someone in this position please click all of the buttons below or comment. Thank you.
-PSFABC signing off
prettysickforablackchick 